A guide for first time swingers

So, you have decided that you want to go to a swingers club or party, but you don’t know what to expect, how to prepare, and what to do when you get there!

That’s ok – we are here to help. This is our step by step guide for you to having a good first experience:

1. Do you have a solid relationship? – If the answer to this isn’t a solid “yes” then we strongly suggest that you don’t try swinging until you do. If your relationship isn’t in good shape then a swingers party will make it worse not better! You need to do the work on yourselves so that you have a good time and you don’t bring the problems of your relationship into the space
2. Make sure that you are both on the same page – do you both want to do this? One of the biggest problems that hetro couples have with swinging is that the man really wants to do it, but the woman is hesitant, or very nervous, or just doesn’t want to. So communication is key! You need to have honest discussions and if your partner isn’t comfortable then it’s best that you just don’t do it. Swinging isn’t for everyone. Accepting that fact matters because you want to protect your relationship first and foremost
3. Negotiate boundaries – this is crucial! What are you comfortable doing? What are you comfortable with your partner doing? What are your hard limits? Are you happy for your partner to kiss another person? Are you happy for them to play together and have sex? Do you want to play with other people together? Do you want to just play with your partner, but watch and be watched? there is no right or wrong here – this is simply a case of deciding what works for the two of you. Things to consider: you don’t have to dive right in the first time, you can just go to see what it’s like, perhaps play with each other, but not with anyone else
4. Stick to your agreed boundaries – If you decided that you are not going to have sex with other people then you must stick to that agreement. Renegotiating boundaries when you are at a party or a club is a bad idea. A partner can feel pressured and unable to speak freely or say what they actually feel. Please don’t do it – just accept the compliment that someone wanted to play with you and perhaps you can agree on new boundaries for next time
5. What to wear – Phoebe wrote a post about this recently, you can see it here: How to dress for an event. The bottom line though is: wear what makes you comfortable!
6. Find a newbies event – most clubs will host nights that specifically cater to people who aren’t very experienced. They can be a good way to learn about the swinging scene in a low expectation environment where no one is going to feel like they are the only ones who don’t know what it’s all about and are trying to find their feet
7. Consent – in this day and age, you MUST respect consent. If you want to play with someone, it’s ok to ask them, but if they don’t give you full, enthusiastic consent, then the answer is “no”. Even if they do say “yes” then you must accept that it could change to no at any time, even if you are playing. Anyone has the right to withdraw consent at any time, so check in regularly with your partner and anyone you are playing with. Consent is sexy
8. Don’t get drunk – it shouldn’t need to be said, but still: don’t get drunk. A drink or two doesn’t hurt most people, but getting drunk will get you thrown out and probably banned. Don’t get drunk
9. Women are the key to a good experience – this is probably the single most important thing to remember. In swinger spaces allow the woman to choose and if she isn’t comfortable, or says no, then you need to accept and support that. Trying to “convince” your partner to play with someone will never work out, may ruin the night, and might mean you never do it again
10. Talk to people – if you want to create opportunities to play then you need to get to know people. So talk to people at the bar, or lounge, or whatever non-play spaces the party has and that then opens the door for requests and invitations and becoming part of the community
11. Be respectful – if people are playing, don’t interrupt their scene. Let them play, then perhaps strike up a conversation with them later. If someone says “no” to you, just say “ok, thank you any anyway”. Don’t touch anyone without their consent
12. It’s the mans responsibility to ensure that condoms are always used – a woman can’t always know that a man she is having sex with puts on a condom. So it’s her partner’s job to watch for that and ensure her safety
13. The best way to have a good night – this is actually pretty simple: go to the club with a plan to have fun with your partner. If you do that then you aren’t going home disappointed because you both had fun together at the very least. You may also find that if you are having fun with your partner that other people will want to get to know you and might invite you to play with them. People love watching and if you had fun with your partner then people will often use that as an opportunity to introduce themselves and get to know you. “Oh we saw you up stairs before – you looked great! Thanks for letting us watch.” This is very common and a great way to break the ice
14. When to go home – you don’t need to stay all night, if you are new to swinging then it’s ok to go along for two or three hours and just see if you like the vibe. Alternately – staying to the end can be quite fun, because as the night goes on people relax and chill out and it can be easier to connect with and chat with other people. In the end it depends on how you are feeling, so talk with your partner and when one of you is ready to go home it’s best to call it a night. What you don’t want to do is pressure your partner into staying and turn a previously good night into a drag or worse for them

If you follow this guide, then you will avoid the majority of potential problems when attending a swingers event.

Lastly – if you would like to attend a swingers party, but don’t want to go alone, then drop us a line, we’d be happy to go with you and show you the ropes! 

John & Phoebe